Wow  
I am in a state of utter disbelief. I need to stop eating and get my wt to a tolerable number.  I am such a fat lardass! 
What the fuck is wrong with me?  I don't know how people can stand to even look at me I am the most disgusting creature on earth

Last night was a reminder of what happens every time Sammi and Shayne come back home.  

We sat outside on the porch, Sammi, Igor, Sam, Shayne, and myself with the hooka.  Of course we started talking about Willy.  Then, Sam told us all about how when his mother passed away (sudden heart attack).  He went into great detail about how she had a stress test just 2 weeks before and everything was normal; she was in perfect health and there were absolutely no warning signs.  One morning as she was eating her bowl of cereal, she began to have chest pains, at which point she woke up her husband (Sam's father) and they got in the car to head to the ER.  She didn't make it to the ER.

The scary thing about all these morbid conversations we have is that I HAVE ALL THE WARNING SIGNS and ignore them. I ignore Dr. Rome when she tells me that exercising and restricting at the level and duration that I have been - and without an inpt stay - puts me at a serious risk for sudden cardiac arrest and an early death.  No question about it.  If I die, no one would be surprised because they've been telling me for years that if I continue to do this shit to myself, its not a question of "if", but "when?"

I sat there listening to my friends talk about horrible things that no child should have to deal with at the age they were when they lost a parent.  Its a difficult thing to process in general, but when an otherwise healthy individual suddenly dies- a parent nonetheless- your world is shaken beyond comprehension.  There is no way to fix it, no way to change it.  

and I sat quietly- thinking about all the chest pains I minimize, the demand and strain I put on my heart through exercise and refusing to nourish myself for fear of becoming fat.  I'm beginning to think that its not worth it.  I don't want to die, and I never believed I would- but a part of me is starting to believe I just might.

No rush for medical concerns ever- was assuming you were sleep deprived and would do anything in order to delay getting there (safe assumption, but inaccurate!).  Sore throat?  Any other sx?  It is summer virus season- which means loving, liquids, chicken soup, etc.  Am travelling this afternoon- but call 444-kids if you want any of my partners to see you- would pick a girl partner... Thanks, Ellen

I LOVE MY UNCLE! HOLY CRAP! He writes for USA today- specifically in the media-arts section and always writes about entertainment and tv and all that. So my dad just brought me this huge envelope from him and inside was the DVD for THIN which isn't even supposed to premeire on HBO till Nov 14. Not only the Movie but he also sent me the book by Lauren Greenfield. YEY im so psyched im watching it now- i had the date written down so I would watch it and I was about to order the book too- and now i got both for free.

WOW im so excited. My parents are completely freaked out by it. Look in USA Today because I guess he is writing about this movie. Personal experience...wow

May His Memory Be a Blessing.

Yotam Gilboa of Kehillah 2002, was killed on Wednesday, July 19th, 2006 in southern Lebanon while fighting as part of an elite combat army unit against Hezbollah terrorists. He was 21 years old.

Yotam's courage and selflessness in his army service reflects the strong and giving nature of his character. We remember the initiative he took in taking positions of leadership within the Nesiya group, as well as the pride he had for his kibbutz background. Yotam worked as a paramedic before being drafted into the army in 2004, and planned to study physics upon his release. As a participant in Nesiya, Yotam often expressed the depths of his commitment to the land and state of Israel, and his eagerness to engage in a meaningful and challenging army service.

Yotam is remembered by his friends, family and everyone who knew him as a powerful young man, a true friend and an inspiring leader. We are deeply saddened by this loss.

יהיה זיכרו ברוך.

יותם גלבוע, בן 21, בוגר "קהילה 2002", נהרג ביום רביעי, ה 19 ביולי 2006, בדרום לבנון, בהתקלות עם מחבלים. יותם היה חייל ביחידת העילית "מגלן".

האומץ והנתינה שאפיינה את יותם בשירותו הצבאי איפיינה את המחויבות שלו לכל דבר שעשה, והייתה חלק חשוב מיותם. אנו זוכרים את היוזמות שלקח על עצמו, בתפקידי מנהיגות שונים בתוך הקהילה שלו, ואת הגאוה הגדולה בהיותו חבר קיבוץ. יותם התמחה כפרמדיק עוד לפני גיוסו לצה"ל ב-2004, ותכנן ללמוד פיזיקה לאחר שיחרורו. בתור חניך ב"נסיעה", יותם ביטא רבות את עומק המחוייבות שלו לארץ ולמדינת ישראל, ובעיקר את רצונו הגדול לתרום לה כמיטב יכולתו, ביחוד ע"י שירות קרבי משמעותי.

נזכור את יותם כאדם בעל אישיות דומיננטית שמקרינה על כל מי שסובב אותו, כחבר אמת, בעל השראה ומנהיג . אנו מתאבלים ומצטערים על האבדן הגדול שלנו

 Just wanted to add that I returned to exercise pretty regularly after a slowly healing fracture in my foot...I over did it cuz I'm too compulsive once I get to the gym I can't leave and go overboard (without listening to my body's cues)

So I re-injured my ankle which apparently hasn't completely healed.  Nancy (my nutritionist) made me email my doctor since I keep forgetting [subconsciously] to ask her what she recommends regarding exercise.  She wrote:

"No exercise is wisest until we talk- esp since you are at risk for doing so compulsively+ and I am very concerned about risk of injury..."

Blah so far I've listened but I do want to get back into it- I know how bad it is but it helps me feel better emotionally.  On the flip side- maybe she'll give me an excuse to get out of my university requirement to take 2 semesters of Phys. Ed- yes its mandetory and we don't get credit. LAME.